I’ve been quiet for a while… and will you allow me to say “that’s okay”? I believe we need a time of quiet in our lives. Particularly in more difficult seasons. A time to be alone with ourselves and with God. And during these times, we don’t always have something to share. That really is okay, I believe.
During these almost two months since my last post, there are numerous draft blog entries started and not completed. In writing I process with myself and work through what God is teaching me. As God heals and gives clarity in those tender places of my heart, I will share with you. Promise.
I’m so strongly pressed upon right now in my struggle with ENOUGH. Am I enough? Do I do, serve, give enough? Am I a good enough wife? Or mom? Or daughter? Or sister? Or friend? Do I love well enough? Am I worthy of being loved enough? If it sounds exhausting, I can assure you if feels all the more weighty in my heart and head. Striking an even deeper cord of my soul’s fiber is the constant battle ENOUGH has played in my life. You see, this isn’t a new battle or a new lesson God is working through with me. I’m sure God might tire of me in this regard – that is if we propose Him a characteristics of anything less than total patience with his children.
One thing I know fully well is the inability to fully be all we are supposed to be while inside the struggle of enough. Living in the predisposition of not feeling enough, life becomes harder. Striving and doing and being more can become the driver in your days over the plan God intended for you. It becomes easy to miss the really wonderful things trying to be something more for some reason more that is way too much more than your perfected enough already. More is not immediately equal to better. Repeat – more is not immediately equal to better.
Equally in a battle with enough, we can quickly forget how wonderful people think we are just like we are – junk and all. At least for me, when I am feeling a highly “enough sensitive” time, I begin to think my friends and family, maybe, are worn out by me. I guess this is less about feeling like I need to be more, but more about thinking I am really just too much. If I could only be normal enough. Or have my act together enough. Do you do this too – think your struggles make you “not enough”? Maybe we all have stories we haven’t told, but certainly we all have struggles. The sooner we admit it and stop acting like we have our act together, the sooner we can love one another well and minister to the hearts of those around us.
Most recently I’ve been battling old voices from my past screaming rejection in totally tangible ways and I am determined to push through stronger this time. Who would believe 20+ year hurts could still cut so deeply? Scars transform to open wounds quickly in the battle of enough. When the behaviors become mimicked in other close relationships, it becomes even more difficult to fight off enough. If “he can do this” and “she can do that” and “they did this” – obviously, I am the common denominator, it is because I didn’t do something enough? Sound familiar? Immediately, I pray for all who feel this in their core. In Jesus name, we have to stop. God’s heart breaks over our broken heart and wants us to feel His love right now. Right this very moment, God is whispering into our hearts – YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I know whose I am and I know who created me. I know whose you are and who created you. Together, say with me;
I am made worthy in the blood of Jesus.
I am chased after and adored by my heavenly Father.
I am accepted in the family, adopted by the King of kings.
Where ever you feel your inadequacy strongest, your particular fear of failure, or the voice from your past that screams rejection…. your Heavenly Father says “Enough! You ARE enough”
In His Grip, Ashlee
Pray with me: Dear Heavenly Father God, we love you so much God and are so grateful for the opportunity to come to you with all our inadequacies. Thank you for loving us through all of our junk and giving us your word to turn our fears into confidences. Give us strength to remain steadfast in your truth, so that we only desire to be what you have made us to be. Not more, not less – just perfectly enough as you designed. In Jesus name, Amen.