God, I’m still scared.

I’ve gone through things in my life that have made my faith grow in crazy ways. Situations that have shown me without a doubt God is so incredibly real and I have stacked my stones in a memorial of God’s greatness in my life. I study my bible and daily live intentionally so to never get over what God has done. I believe every single promise in His word, confident all scripture was God breathed. [2 Tim 3:16-17]

So… why am I still scared?

I’m completely coming clean and being extremely transparent with you – my friends. Which also is an extremely vulnerable place to be, so I hope you are reading with an ear of grace and a mind of mercy.  And maybe, just maybe, you are in the same place and together we can glean wisdom and step forward together.

What makes me fearful? I get scared when I can’t box things into a neat little package with perfect little answers.  Even when I don’t love the answers, when the answers are actually quite difficult, at least I KNOW the answers. When I know what I am dealing with, I can manage through. I’m an analytical, bullet-pointed steps, action item kinda chick. Give me an issue, and I’ll have a list of how to correct it. (Probably even document a standard operating procedure. ugh, feel free to roll your eyes – it’s annoying to me too.) My mind works that way and however much that has benefited me career wise, I fully believe that is not where God sees my strengths.

In fact, this is precisely the area God has chosen to work on me deeply. There are many places I have felt were healed and scars were beginning to fade, then the wounds were as fresh as yesterday’s blood. Just when I think I am making progress, the old fears jump up.

Just this week, it happened. The unknown scared me. Old wounds opened.

I would love to write about how incredibly spiritual I reacted and how I immediately went to God in prayer over my fears. I did go to God, though a brief time period of my own fleshy tantrum ensued first. I feel I let God down because I didn’t. Fortunately His love is unconditional.  Grace and mercies anew – hallelujah.

My tantrums aren’t as long as they once were. Yet, why live even a moment outside the covering of God???  How can I forget the days of my life when I had absolutely no control and God sustain me with inexplicable peace and comfort? Even for a moment, I tend to forget. Shame on me. The times I have crawled up in my Father God’s lap and let Him hold me, content only in His sovereignty – those are the best memories of my faith journey. Of no coincidence, those are the most challenging times of my earthly walk.  He did not fail me. He had it under control without my PowerPoint presentation or bullet points or actionable timelines.

Father, forgive me.

Like the father with the demonic son who cried out in Mark, “I believe; help my unbelief” [Mark 9:24], this is my prayer. I believe and need Him continually to battle my unbelief when I get caught up in myself. I ask for His patience. I weep sorrowful before Him. I imagine him patting my head saying “there,there… now you are back where you belong.” (oh such GRACE our Father has.)  Without God I am unable to do anything. I need to constantly and continually rely on Him and His ways and His promises.  My plan is nothing and His plan is everything.

Fear is not from God and not of God. We don’t need to be scared anymore, just lean into Him. Yet, He understands our struggle. He is ever-present in our time of need and unflappable as we seek His Holy Spirit power to overcome.

Pray with me:  Dear Father God,  Help me when I am scared to remember your sovereignty. Strengthen my human fallen person to focus constantly on you, the author and perfecter of my faith. Please sustain it, strengthen it and continually deepen it. Don’t let my faith fail.  May it be the power of my life, so that in everything I do you get the glory as the great Giver. Bless, cover, protect and strengthen all who struggle with any fear as well.  It is only in your son, Jesus’, name do we have any right to make these requests.  Amen 

In His Grip.  Ashlee

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