June 2014

My life has been a struggle of wondering and wandering. Searching for acceptance, fighting rejection, asking myself why I wasn’t worthy enough for him to stick around. Even now at times I struggle. Watching my own kids, especially the girls, with their dads. I hear Clarke & Sarah call them daddy, and I have no ability to even begin to wrap my mind around what that feels like to call someone daddy or be daddy’s little girl. But oh so thankful that these girls do.

My dad checked in and out many times when I was young, then solidly, firmly, deliberately slammed the door on our relationship when I was 19. I have thought often of searching for my earthly dad. As I think of what more rejection might be like, my heavenly father has gently drawn me near to Him. The years of crying in my room, God was there, listening. The years of self-destruction as I longed to be loved, God’s was there comforting me. The moments I sacrificed my dignity to be accepted, God’s mercy rained–in fact, it flooded. When I found the man to spend the rest of my life with, God gave me tremendous love-a love that is patient with my pain, & understanding of my lifelong grief. A husband who is a loving very present father to all four of our collective children.

So to those who are like me and are fatherless on this father’s day, hold tight to hope. You indeed, my friend, are not truly fatherless. God has sent his love to you in some fashion–whether it’s your mother, your husband, your children. And even if not…even if you feel as if you are all alone & unwanted, God has never left you, abandoned you or rejected you.

The pain you feel for yourself is the pain God feels for you, with you. He never wanted this for you… He never wanted this for us.

I cannot answer why, or tell you when the pain will end…but I assure you, the depth of God’s love for you is immeasurable. He does what every father should do….
He listens.
He quickly forgives.
He comes to your rescue.
He is proud of you.
He is patient.
He willingly gave His life for you.
Because He loves you.

So happy father’s day to all the dads who have loved & the dads/grandpa’s who have passed & to the husbands who love their kids more than life.
Happy father’s day to MY husband who has taught me true love & gives our kids a better life than mine, & a love that I have never had for myself.

Jesus said: “You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33